We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story
by Vi Maxwell
Summary: I'm just saying... this story is REALLY messed up. There is self-insertion and this fic was co-written with I love link. Soooooooo... enjoy!!!!!!! Oh, yeah, it mentions a few authors!!!!! Make totally sure you review!!!!! Luv ya!!!
1. Yuy Goes Bananas

We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story  
  
Session One--Yuy Goes Bananas  
  
I love link: Welcome. We are the two sister psychiatrists, I love link and Vi Maxwell.  
  
Vi Maxwell: Yeperoo! Did anyone know I love Duo?  
  
Ill: Yes, well, I thought it was a bit.... obvious. Anywho, today we have our first patient, Mr Heero Yuy.  
  
VM: And this moron thinks he's an ape! Can you say... weird? Hahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!  
  
Ill: Vi, though it may be funny, we mustn't laugh at our patients! We're on live TV, for God's sake!  
  
VM: I know!!!!!!!!!!! Screw live TV!!!!!!!  
  
Ill: I'm sure you'd like to, but we don't have time to talk about that right now. Bring out Yuy!  
  
Two guards drag a howling and screaming Heero out from backstage. He is wearing a straightjacket.  
  
VM: So, Sir Yuy, do you like bananas?  
  
Ill: Vi! Will you behave for once in your life? I know dad forgot to pick you up at school Friday night, but I'm sure the janitor's closet was very comfortable! Don't take your anger out on Mr Yuy!  
  
VM: Hey! Who said it was a naughty question? He thinks he's an ape, dammit!!!!!! Lunatic!!!!!!!  
  
Ill: Speaking of lunatics, do we have Mystere on the set?  
  
A man with a red cape and a mask leaps out from behind I love link's chair.  
  
Mystere: YOU NEED A SPANKING! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   
  
I love link: Will you please sheath your sword before you put someone's eye out?!  
  
VM: Or cut off Sir Yuy's banana.  
  
Mystere: Banana!? Wherewherewherewherewhere????  
  
I love link: Get off the set, Leo!  
  
Mystere:(running off-stage) REMEMBER MY NAME! MYSTERE!  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops) Anyway, we're sorry for the interruption.  
  
VM: Back to my question, Sir Yuy. Do you like bananas?  
  
Heero: Yep, especially Treize's!!!!!!  
  
I love link: That's sick.  
  
VM: Okay, next question!  
  
I love link: Mr Yuy, why are you obsessed with bananas?  
  
Heero: I went to da zoo, and I saw a wittle monkey dere!  
  
I love link: Are you sure you didn't just look in the mirror?  
  
Heero: What da hell???  
  
VM: And what happened with the monkey? What made you go bonkers over bananas?  
  
Heero: Da monkey...... I ate da monkey's banana!  
  
I love link: Oh my.....  
  
Heero: It was.... yummy...... (licks lips) I wike eating bananas....  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops) Why are you talking like a baby?!  
  
Heero:(giggles) Hic...!  
  
VM: What a pleasant conversation! Where's Duo?  
  
I love link: Normally I would say something smart like `up your ass and around the corner', but for some reason, I seem to be in my sophisticated mode. Duo is on tomorrow.  
  
Heero: Hic! Monkey's banana good! I like to blow on bananas!!!!  
  
VM: We needed to know that.....  
  
I love link: ...... like we needed a hole in the head.  
  
VM: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!GROSS!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Ladies and gents, we will now censor anything that is remotely.... wrong.... for all those sensitive eyes that are reading.  
  
Heero: I like *censored*! I like *censored*! I blow *censored*!  
  
I love link: That's just annoying.   
  
Leo, Hiro, and Ronfar run past, each wearing a Mystere mask.  
  
Heero: Do they have *censored*???  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops and blushes) Yes, Heero, they do have *censored*. This place is turning into a three-ring circus.  
  
Heero: Are there any monkeys? I like to blow on monkeys *censored*.  
  
VM: We've already realized that much. Sooooooooo, any other interesting things you like doing?????  
  
I love link: Vi..... I'm warning you!!!  
  
VM: What'd I do? What'd I say?????????  
  
I love link: Mr Yuy....... we want to help you... but you friggin' need to cooperate!  
  
Heero: I love *censored*! I eat *censored*! I love *censored*!  
  
VM: Wonderful.  
  
I love link: You stole my word!!! THAT'S MY WORD!!!!  
  
VM: Well, soooorrryyyy, your highness. How's this? Interesting.  
  
I love link: As long as it's not either-  
1- I hate you;  
2- Go to hell;  
3- I'm gonna kill you;  
4- Get a life; or  
5- Wonderful.  
Shams gave me those words.  
  
Heero: Is Shams a *censored*?  
  
I love link: NO, HE'S A COMPLETE MORON!  
  
Heero: Am I a complete moron?  
  
VM and Ill: YES, YOU MORON!!!!!  
  
VM: Actually, you're more *censored* than anything!  
  
I love link: This is so stupid. I have a Science project due tomorrow, and I haven't written the script yet. I'm screwed. Screwed. SCREWED, I TELL YOU!  
  
Heero: I think she just went *censored*.  
  
I love link: I've had enough of this crap. Goodbye!  
  
VM: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! My hockey game! Sens vs. Leafs! I gotta go, everybody! Buh-bye! Oh, yeah, lock *censored*-boy up. Don't let him torture the poor little monkey!!!!! Bye!!!!!  
  
I love link attempts to leave the stage, but just then, Hiro, Ronfar and Leo march past, still wearing their Mystere masks. They trample I love link.  
  
I love link: LEO!!!!! ALTHENA IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS, SO HELP ME GOD! I'LL GET RUBY TO BLOW YOU UP! BETTER YET, I'LL GET NALL TO BLOW YOU UP! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Leo: Screw Althena.  
  
I love link: I'll leave that to Zophar or Ghaleon, thanks. Until next time....... *censored* to you!  
  
(Authors' Notes: Do you dare to read the next chapter? Or are you afraid? You must have strong mental health to face the next chapters.  
Alright, we'll quit it with the Star Wars talk. Next chapter, we meet Duo Maxwell, Vi's little Shinigami.  
Vi:(sighs) He's so hot!  
I love link: Shut up for once in your life!  
Sisters..... we shouldn't have written a story together.)  
  



	2. Maxwell's Coffee

We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story  
  
Session 2--Maxwell's Coffee  
  
VM: Sure, last chapter was really screwy, but this chapter'll be GGRRREEEEEAAAATTTTT!!!!!!!! I get to see Duo! Yay!  
  
I love link: Oh, yay. This chapter's even screwier than the last one.  
  
VM: YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!  
  
I love link: And I thought Yuy's *censored* was bad. Would you quit it with the mother******* censoring?!  
  
Duo: Hey Vi!!!!!!!  
  
VM: Hey Shinigami!!!!!  
  
I love link:(wearing a cheerleading outfit) Shinigami, God of Death, he is such a little pesth, I wish I could kick his ass, should be easy, he's high on grass!  
  
Duo: I am, aren't I?  
  
I love link: Duo is such a stupid banana, I wish I could kick his wuwana, I'm not sure what that is, but I know that it's a word of his!  
  
VM: I love link is a little brat, everyday she dates a prat, and everyday I wish on a star, that those idiots stay very very far!!!!!  
  
Duo: I'm getting dizzy.....  
  
I love link: Mr Maxwell, why do you smell like coffee???  
  
Duo: Cuz I just had a cup!  
  
I love link:(sighs) At least you don't smell as bad as when someone planted a dead fish in my school library. That was sick.  
  
Duo: I like coffee.  
  
I love link: And I'm supposed to care?  
  
Duo: It calms me down. After Vi and I make out, I'm always hyper.  
  
VM: SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Coffee has caffeine in it, you imbecile!  
  
Duo: What's caffeine?  
  
VM: Do you really care????????????????? It's stuff you put in coke and coffee.  
  
I love link: It makes you very hyper. In fact, I drink coffee every day before school, because my stupid dogs wake me up every morning at five!  
  
Chan(our dog): Arf?  
  
Pepe(our other dog): Woof? Arf? Bwarf? Bwahahaha!  
  
I love link: Now I'm scared.  
  
VM: Ya know, I don't need coffee, cuz I'm always hyper!!!!!!  
  
I love link: That's why I have to drag your ass out of bed every morning.  
  
VM: it's not my fault I don't like school!!! Geez!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Nobody likes school, stupid.  
  
VM:(sticks out tongue)  
  
Duo: I also drink coffee before making out with Vi, because it also makes me hyper.  
  
VM: SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: I don't particularly care about your love lives. Would Nickelman like to make a cameo?  
  
Nickelman walks onto the stage.  
  
Nickelman: I am making a cameo.  
  
Nickelman walks off the stage.  
  
I love link: Well, you asked me if I could put you in a story! So don't bitch about it to me.  
  
Duo: So does anyone know why I like coffee so much???  
  
VM: No. Please, share that with us.  
  
I love link: Can I have a fifty-fifty? Or a call a friend? It's obviously because it makes you hyper, you dingbat!  
  
Duo: It makes me hyper, but for what???  
  
I love link: So you can bed-wrestle with Vi?  
  
Duo: No. Just make out.  
  
VM: I love link, ya know, you're really gross? You have a very dirty mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Oh, the chutzpa! Do you think I CARE?  
  
VM: No, cuz my mind is WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Sailor_Nemisis' mind is often in the gutter too.  
  
VM:Yeah, well, we're both like that!!!!!!!  
  
Duo: What does `chutzpa' mean?  
  
I love link: I'm afraid your brain wouldn't be able to handle it if I told you.  
  
Duo suddenly grabs Vi and they start making out.  
  
I love link: I'm ready to throw you two out the window.  
  
Sailor_Nemesis and Trowa barton step on stage and start making out as well.  
  
I love link: This is absolutely wonderful! Where's Mystere when you need him?  
  
Mystere jumps down from the ceiling.  
  
Mystere: I love link, I'm here to save you!  
  
I love link: It's about time! Where were you?  
  
Mystere: I was screwing Jean in the caravan.  
  
I love link: Oh, that's nice. Anyway, people, this was a gay chapter. We understand if you don't want to read any further....... we don't hold it against you.  
What are we saying? Freakin' review, damnit!  
  
To Be Continued.....  
  



	3. Barton's Bs

We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story  
  
Session 3--Barton's Bs  
  
VM: Hello, everybody!!!!!!! Today, we have a man who claims he doesn't get good enough marks in school, but he has a B average!!! Man, I'd love a B average, but mine just happens to be a B-.  
  
I love link: Eheh....... I'd love to get a C average! But, alas, it's only a C-. Life sucks. Anywho.... bring in Barton!  
  
The security guards drag Trowa out of the backstage area, who is screaming and flailing madly.  
  
VM: Hello, Sir Barton!!!!!! How's Sailor Nemesis?????  
  
I love link: We just saw her yesterday!!!!  
  
VM: Your point????  
  
I love link: Oh, nevermind. Mr Barton, why are you here today?  
  
Trowa: You tell me!  
  
VM: Well, this paper says that you're an insane maniac because you don't get good enough grades. Buuut..... YOU HAVE A FRICKEN B AVERAGE!!!! PEOPLE WOULD KILL FOR THAT AVERAGE!!!! Anyway, explain, s'il vous plait.  
  
Trowa: A B?????? A B IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!  
  
I love link: A B is almost out of reach to a person with a C average. Don't complain.  
  
VM: Maybe for someone like you, but.....  
  
I love link: Put a sock in it. Mr Barton, let's get on with this interview.  
  
Trowa: INTERVIEW?! What interview?  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops) I give up.  
  
VM: You moron!!!!! You don't even know what you're here for!!! You deserve less than a B average!!!!  
  
Trowa: Well, excuuuuuse me! They drag me out of bed at four in the morning, and they expect me to know what the hell's going on?! I didn't even get a COFFEE!  
  
I love link: I'm sure Mr Maxwell could help you with the coffee.  
  
VM: Hey, Shinigami, bring out the coffee!!!  
  
Duo brings five cups of coffee out for Trowa. Trowa chugs them down in three seconds flat.  
  
Duo: Hey, Vi...... I'll be waiting for you at the Holiday Inn.  
  
Vi blushes.  
  
Vi: DUO! Don't say that out loud!  
  
I love link: Please don't bother me with your tangled love lives.  
  
VM: Whatever you say, lady. Anyway, back to Sir Barton.   
  
I love link:(pulls out notebook) Mr Barton, could you please give me some pointers an how to get and maintain a B average?  
  
Heero and a monkey dance by, holding *censored*.  
  
Heero: I love *censored*! I blow *censored*! I love *censored*! I eat *censored*!  
  
VM: OOOHHHH GROSS!!!!  
  
I love link: QUIT IT WITH THE MOTHER******* CENSORING, YOU ***HOLES!  
  
VM: When do they ever learn? Anyways, I think Sir Yuy and his *censored* should get a room.  
  
I love link: Mr Barton, some pointers please?  
  
Trowa: I don't know how I get a B average! All Quatre and myself do all day is ****!  
  
I love link: How lovely. You really don't know how you get a B average?  
  
VM: YOU FRICKEN BASTARD, MUTHA*******, RAT IN A STINKIN' HOLE, SEWER FILTH, STREET RAT, YOU'RE CHEATIN' ON SAILOR_NEMISIS! WAIT TILL SHE GETS A HOLD OF QUATRE, SHE'LL RIP HIS *CENSORED* OFF!  
  
I love link: Contain yourself, Vi.  
  
VM: CHEATING IMBECILE. SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU, YOU MORON. GET OFF THE SHOW BEFORE I KILL YOU MYSELF...  
  
Trowa: EEEP!  
  
I love link: This is stupid. Mr Barton, will you answer the freakin' question?  
  
VM: YOU S**T, P**S, F**K, C**T, C**K-S****R, M**********R!  
  
I love link: You've been listening to too much Blink 182.  
  
VM: YOU'RE A BASTARD, IT'S TRUE! THE THINGS HE SAID TO YOU WERE WHAT I SAID TO YOU! YOU'RE A BASTARD, IT'S TRUE! AND I GUESS IT'S TRUE! OF COURSE IT'S TRUE, DAMMIT!  
  
Trowa:(high-pitched) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!  
  
I love link:(faints from ear pain) OW!  
  
VM: YOU SUCK MR ANGERS DICK! YOU SUCK MR POLUHAS DICK! NO NO NO, YOU SUCK QUATRE'S DICK, BUT THAT ISN'T THE POINT!  
  
Trowa:(blubbering) I didn't do it! (singing) PICTURE THIS, WE WERE BOTH CAUGHT MAKING LOVE ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR! IT FREAKIN' WASN'T ME! I SWEAR TO GOD, IT WASN'T ME!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link:(regains consciousness) What the hell? I have a science presentation tomorrow..... I still haven't written the script..... later.......  
  
VM: THE HOCKEY GAME, DAMMIT! I HAVE TO SEE IT, ORELSEI'LLDIE!!!!!! SENS ROCK! LEAFS ARE SHITS PISS FUCKS CUNTS COCK-SUCKERS MOTHERFUCKERS!   
  
I love link: Good grief......... Aren't you going to Holiday Inn with Duo?  
  
VM: Yeah, I'm watching the hockey game there.  
  
VM and ILL: Goodbye, Trowa!  
  
They leave.  
  
(Authors' Notes: Because of the extremely crude nature of this chapter, we've decided to rate the story R. We wish we could rate chapters, but..... you know, we can't.)  
  
DISCLAIMER: We don't own `Family Reunion' by Blink 182. We don't own `It Wasn't Me' by Shaggy. Okay? Good. Oh yeah, we don't own Gundam Wing.   
  



	4. Winner's A Loser

We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story  
  
Session 4--Winner's a Loser  
  
I love link: Today we have Quatre Raberba Winner on our show.  
  
VM: Yes. Sir Winner claims he is a loser. And I don't blame him. What the hell kind of boy has pink as their favourite colour????? WUSSES!!!!!  
  
I love link: Now, Vi..... you know what I told you.  
  
Quatre: I never said I'm a loser! It's Rashid that says I'm a loser!  
  
I love link: But it says on this paper that your name is Quatre Raberba Loser.  
  
VM: Exactly!!!!!!!! So that means....... you're a loser! You're a loser!!! You're a loser!!!!!!  
  
Quatre:(starts crying) Rashid is just playing a mean trick on me!  
  
I love link: I don't have the patience for your crappy crap, Mr Loser. Now could you please get your incompetent incompetence off my show? Thank you.  
  
VM: YOUR show?????? OUR show!!!!!!!! I'm the best here!!!!  
  
I love link: Learn to spell, sis. And you suck, by the way.  
  
Quatre: Well... you swallow!  
  
I love link: That is the oldest saying in the book. And I was talking to my sister, you dope.  
  
VM: Well, at least I can keep a steady boyfriend! And at least I'm not GAY!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Now, Mr Loser--  
  
Quatre: MY NAME IS WINNER!!!!  
  
I love link: I don't give a damn!  
  
VM: Sure, sure, you're the one who had a crush on him before!!!!!  
  
I love link: Let's NOT go there. He is a wussy boy who thinks pink is a cool colour when it is the barfiest colour on the planet.  
  
VM: Go blue! Go blue! Go blue!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Go blue! Go blue! You stick like glue! You suck like pooh!!! I mean, Winnie the Pooh, of course.  
  
Quatre: And you think I have problems??!!!  
  
VM: Purple is the worst, It eats liverwurst, It sucks this loser's dick, so much it makes me sick!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: I think he reserved that for Trowa.  
  
Ill, VM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Quatre: Grrr....  
  
VM: So, back to Sir Loser. Oh, wait, is there any hot chocolate around here!!!!!  
  
I love link: Mr Loser, I heard you have violent tendencies. I heard that your mental stability is.... er..... QUESTIONABLE........  
  
Quatre: That's a load of crap! BS! Cow dung on a stick!!!  
  
I love link: Don't have a conniption.  
  
Quatre: What the hell does that mean?!  
  
I love link: I'm not sure. I got it from my grandmother. I think it's a kind of fit.  
  
VM: Thanks for the hot chocolate!!!! Okay, back to Sir Loser!!!!! Are you really gay????????????? Cuz I know this person who might like you. He's president of the chess club.......  
  
I love link: Mr Loser, I heard your favorite word is `beautiful'. I even find that word quite..... distasteful. But not as distasteful as gorgeous, mind you......  
  
VM: And why do you like the word beautiful? Is it cuz you think someone's bootiful?????  
  
I love link: I bet I know who it is.  
  
VM and Ill: TROWA!!!  
  
Quatre: NO!!!!!!  
  
VM: You rude, rude child. Sailor_Nemesis is soooooo going to kick your ass!!!!! And just so that you know, Trowa'll never, ever in a billion years love you, you, you.... you loser!!!!!!  
  
I love link: Now, Vi, don't have a conniption. Mr Loser..... how exactly do you feel about Mr Barton?  
  
Quatre: Trowa???? I..... I have to admit...... I LOVE HIM!!!!  
  
I love link: You.... yaoi........ you're yaoi...... Time Bomb has to believe me now........  
  
VM: So, what do you dream about when Sir Barton is involved???????  
  
Quatre:(gasps) What are you suggesting???? I swear to God, my intentions are entirely pure!  
  
I love link: Pure. Pure. I don't believe you, you nimrod! And you shouldn't swear to God. It's rude.  
  
VM: Now, answer my damned question, cause I seriously don't believe that your intentions are pure!!!! What a gay word!!!!! Speaking of gay, do you seriously like Trowa, cause if you do, you're a LOSER!!!!!!!!!  
  
Quatre: Yes, I'm yaoi, okay!!!!!!! Yes, I do desperately love Trowa, and yes, I do have dirty thoughts about him. OKAY!!!!!!!!  
  
VM: Well, I didn't really expect him to answer the question. Oh, well!!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: This is the dumbest thing I ever saw in my life. I'm psychic. I foresee that this show will end right now. Goodbye.  
  
VM: Take the yaoi bumblebutt away!!!!!!!! Now, if you excuse me, I have a date with Duo!!! Aurevoir!!!!  
  
I love link: Ciao, amigos!   
  
(Authors' Notes: I think we shouldn't put ourselves in the story so much, right? Sorry.)  
  



	5. Shining Justice

We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story  
  
Session 5--Shining Justice  
  
I love link: I hope this session will be sane. We have Mr Chang Wufei on our show. He's the only sane one of the bunch.  
  
Wufei walks in, calmly and sits on an armchair.  
  
I love link: Hello, Chang.  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!!!  
  
VM: Hey Sir Wu-Wu!!!!! S'up???  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!!  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops) Well, what do you think of the weather this morning?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!  
  
I love link: What about the bird that shat on my head this morning?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!  
  
I love link: I thought that much.  
  
VM: What about my hockey game?  
  
W#ufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
VM: But the Sens won!  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
I love link: Mr Wufei, my dog Chan is gay. Do you think he is either a-Really, truly homosexual; or b-Sexually deprived?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
VM: What do you think of mine and Duo's relationship?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
VM: What, you're homosexual too?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!  
  
VM: Or do you just want me?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
I love link: I don't think anyone wants you, Vi.  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops) ...........  
  
VM: Do you love my Shinigami??????  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!!  
  
I love link: Meiran.......?  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!!  
  
I love link: She was killed, wasn't she?  
  
Wufei: .......... Injustice!  
  
VM: Waaah, poor Sir Wu-Wu!!!! He sounded so sad! Waaaahhhh!!!!!!  
  
Wufei:(sobbing) MY POOR BELOVED MEIRAN!!!! WHY DID SHE DIE???  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops) There, there.  
  
VM:(sobbing) POOR SIR WU-WU!!!! WAAAAAHH!  
  
I love link: Would you shut the hell up???? Duo, get yer ass in here!  
  
Duo walks in, picks Vi up and walks off the set.  
  
I love link: And will you shut up, Chang?!  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!!  
  
I love link: I'm gonna go off my rocker in a minute. Which reminds me... I have a story to tell.  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
I love link: Okay, forget it.  
  
Vi walks back on the set. Her clothes and hair are messed up, and she has lipstick smeared across her face.  
  
I love link: Whoa, what the hell happened to you? Don't tell me Duo wears lipstick!  
  
VM: No, he bit me.  
  
I love link: Don't share the rest, I beg of you. Wait, he BIT you??? That idiot bit my dear, darling little sister??? The moron.  
  
VM: I swear, if you say that one more time, I'll beat your ass across Canada and back. Got it???  
  
I love link: Eeep! And she means it too. Oh, yeah, I WAS JUST KIDDING! I WOULDN'T GIVE A BIGGER DAMN IF HE KILLED YOU!!!!!  
  
VM: You rude, rude child!!!!  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!  
  
I love link: Oh yeah, getting back to you........ WILL YOU QUIT SAYING INJUSTICE?!  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICEINJUSTICEINJUSTICEINJUSTICE!!!!!!  
  
I love link: SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE INJUSTICE INJUSTICE!  
  
In the meantime, Vi is brushing her hair.  
  
I love link: THIS IS SO STUPID!!! I AM LEAVING!!! GOODBYE!!! Vi, we have Tae Kwon Do. Move it.  
  
VM:(groans) I don't wanna go!!!!!  
  
I love link:(sweatdrops) o_O  
  
VM: But I'm busy!   
  
I love link: I don't think dad cares. Now move you ass before I kick it!  
  
Vi and I love link leave the set.  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!  
  
Vi and ILL: SHUT UP!!!  
  
(Authors' Notes: INJUSTICEINJUSTICEINJUSTICE!!! we think Wu-Wu got to us.)   
  



	6. Relena Peacecrap... Oops, I Mean Peacecr...

We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story  
  
Session 6--Relena Peacecrap... Oops, I mean, Peacecraft   
  
VM: Hello, and today we have Sir Peacecrap on the show.  
  
Relena: I'm a Miss!!!!  
  
VM: SIR! SIR! SIR! SIR! SIR! SIR! SIR! SIR!  
  
I love link: Yes, sir, ma'am, sir! Wait, that's FF9. Forget I said that.  
  
Relena: Whatever.  
  
I love link:(looks at paper she's holding) Miss Peacecrap--- I mean, Peacecraft, you are here because of....... your obsession with Heero????  
  
VM: Obsessed, obsessed, obsessed.  
  
I love link: Did you know that Heero is yaoi?  
  
Relena: No, I didn't know Heero was yaoi, and I seriosly don't care.  
  
VM: And why do you love him???  
  
Relena: His cold voice, his cold glare, his tight spandex...  
  
VM: Too much information!!!!  
  
I love link: Heero has problems, yes. His awful fashion sense. His awful...... speechlessness...... his awful...... spandex.... (shudders) That's just wrong.....  
  
VM: He blows *censored*. Wrong, totally, totally wrong. He likes *censored*. Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!!!!  
  
I love link: We're not talking about Heero, here! Here, Heero! Here boy! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Heero runs into the room with a *censored*in his mouth, and then quickly runs off.  
  
I love link: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH   
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH   
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! (faints)  
  
Relena: It's NOT funny! I love Heero! I don't care what anyone says. I LOVE HIM!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
Relena goes insane and runs around the room, chanting " I love Heero!"  
  
VM:(groans) Someone help me, please.  
  
Duo: I'm here, Vi, don't worry!!!!  
  
VM: Thank God!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Duo picks up Vi and carries her away, off stage. I love link regains consciousness.  
  
I love link: What the hell?!  
  
Relena: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I LOVE HEERO! I LOVE HEERO!!!  
  
I love link: Oh, GOD! How come I always get stuck with the insane people?!  
  
Vi walks back onstage, dragging Heero with her.  
  
VM: Now, here's loverboy. Confess your heart out, Sir Peacecrap.  
  
Relena: I love you, Heero! I love you Heero! I love you Heero! Iloveyouloveyouloveyouloveyouloveyou!!!  
  
Heero:(sweatdrops)  
  
I love link: Um..... okay.  
  
VM: I'm stuck with an insane lunatic. God, help me, please???  
  
I love link: Aren't you always with an insane lunatic? I mean, Duo being the insane lunatic?  
  
VM: Yeah, but he's a good insane lunatic!!!!!!!  
  
I love link: I'm outta here. Later.  
  
I love link leaves.  
  
VM: Let's go Edmonton, let's go! Let's go Edmonton, let's go!!!! Oh, yeah, take Sir Peacecrap away, thank you very much!! Till next time!!!!! VM leaves the room.   
  



	7. Mrs. Shinigami(Not Really)

We Have Problems--A Psychiatric Story  
  
Chapter 7--Mrs. Shinigami(Not Really)  
  
  
VM: Hello everybody! Today, we have a person by the name of Hilde who...... hey! He's mine! MINE!!!!  
  
SN: Alright, everybody, my name is Sailor_Nemisis, and I am here to restrain- um, I mean HELP in any possible way.  
  
I love link: I think I'm gonna lose my marbles anytime now.  
  
VM: He's mine! MINE!! MINE!!! MINE!!! Shinigami is MINE!!! And there's nothing Sir Bitch can do about it.  
  
SN:*turns on a walkie-talkie* Snoppy dog, we have a code 693211, yes, that's right, a Duo obsessed, Hilde killing maniac. Send reinforcements and post them at the entrances.  
  
I love link:*sweatdrops* Oh, good grief.  
  
VM: Bring out the specimen.... Sir Bitch!  
  
Hilde:*rabid, foaming at the mouth* Woof! Woof! WOOF! GRRRRRR.....!  
  
SN:*puts muzzle on Hilde* Situation secure. *puts leash on Hilde* Now, Hilde, do you mind if we asked you some questions?  
  
I love link: Now, Miss Schbeiker, what exactly is your problem?  
  
Hilde:*makes weird sounds and points at mouth*  
  
VM: Someone help Sir Bitch over there. It's having technical difficulties.  
  
SN:*takes muzzle and leash off Hilde*  
  
Hilde: It's obvious, isn't it? I mean, it's my precious Duo. My Shinigami, my angel from Hell.  
  
VM:*clears throat* MY Shinigami, if you don't remember, he's going out with ME, not YOU!  
  
SN: Now, why don't we ask him?   
  
Three asylum guards bring out Duo.  
  
SN: Duo, who do you like?  
  
Duo: VIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVI....... VI!!!!!!!!  
  
Hilde:*breaks down crying* Duo... *is carted away by asylum guards*  
  
I love link: That was interesting. Hey, Mystere, we need some comic relief!  
  
Mystere runs into the room, screams something unintelligible, and runs off.  
  
I love link: Thank you.  
  
VM: See! See! See! He loves me! ME! MOI! YO!  
  
Hilde: Yeah, right.  
  
VM: You heard him. He said `VIVIVIVIVIVIVI!'! And that did not sound like Hilde. So.......   
  
Hilde: He does not love you.  
  
VM: Would you like him to demonstrate in a more..... drastic way?  
  
Duo runs on-stage, grabs Hilde round the neck and starts shaking her.  
  
VM: Duo, stop it!  
  
Vi runs over to Duo and pulls him away from Hilde before whispering something in his ear. His eyes light up and he hugs Vi quickly before leaving the room.  
  
I love link: I don't know what the heck's going on here, but then again, I never do.  
  
SN:*turns to guards* You are dismissed.  
  
They leave.  
  
SN: Now, let's try to work this out gently. HILDE, YOU'RE IN DENIAL, HE HATES YOU, GIVE UP!!!!!!  
  
Hilde starts crying.  
  
VM: That sure is gentle. Now answer these questions.  
  
SN: First, is Hilde your real name? Second, is that your real hair colour? And third, why are you so obsessed with that braided baka?  
  
VM: HEY!!!  
  
SN: No offense.  
  
Hilde: No, no, just 'cuz.  
  
VM: Why `just 'cuz'?  
  
Hilde shrugs.  
  
SN: Then what's your real name and hair colour?  
  
Hilde: Gertrude and blonde.  
  
Duo suddenly runs onstage, grabs Vi and runs offstage.  
  
SN: Well, this is an interesting occurence. let's get a close-up.  
  
The camera zooms in to Duo and Vi.  
  
Duo: I say we throttle her.  
  
VM: No, that's too obvious. let's just hit her with a hockey stick.  
  
Duo: Maybe we could drown her???  
  
VM: Or maybe we could poison her???  
  
SN: Or you can plan where she can't hear you!  
  
VM: Then cover her damned ears!  
  
SN:*covers Hilde's ears* Okay, finish planning.  
  
VM: I think I should boot her out the twelfth-storey window.  
  
Duo: I say we just cut this crap and make out!  
  
VM: Maybe that's a good idea!  
  
Duo and Vi make out. Hilde goes mad and throws herself out the window.  
  
SN: That was interesting. Come, asylum guards, let's go back.  
  
Guards: Yes, ma'am!  
  
They trample out the door.  
  
VM pulls away from Duo.  
  
VM: Duo, my hockey game! Edmonton's playing!  
  
Duo: Screw the hockey game!  
  
Duo pulls VM back to him.  
  
I love link: Well, time to end this. Bye!  
  
(Author's Note: BIG thanks to Sailor_Nemisis for helping out!)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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